Old People Are Hilarious

Today, on my errand-running-road-trip adventure, I happened to pass, I dunno... eight hundred old people driving slow as fuck.  And then, my ass got SCHOOLED by a lil' old lady, complete with blue hair, a Cadillac, and a handicap thingy hanging from her mirror, and Tom Jones blaring out her stereo.  I'm not kiddin'- that gal fuckin' passed my ass like a boss.  I think she flipped me the bird in her rearview too,  but I can't be certain. 

All these old people today reminded me of a story a friend told me yesterday, about his encounter with a charming ol' gal in upstate NY (which, by the way, is where I'm from-- so don't go fuckin' knockin' it.  It's kinda like family-- I can say whatever I want, but YOU say something, and my ass is getting out-of-school suspension for a week.  So keep your unwarranted and uninformed comments about my home state to yourself.  This is MY blog, after all.  Right?  Right?)

Anyway.  I know this charming young man here in Wyoming who also is from that great state that also happens to house that wretched place called The Big Apple, where they're outlawing Big Gulps-- you just can't outlaw the chunk out of people, people.  Dumbest piece of legislation EVER.  SERIOUSLY.  But anyway, this ain't about Big Gulps, or New York.. It's about old people and how totally hilarious they can be.

SO.  My friend out here, he's all "Yes ma'am" and "Thank you, ma'am" and "How do you do?" and has all those manners that any mother would be proud of.  Well, he went back home, all duded up in his Wyoming apparel (meaning, looks like a fo' realz cowboy) and was shopping for a Mother's Day card for his mum.  After he picked out his card and a tube of hemorrhoid medication, he found himself shopping alongside an old biddy in her muumuu and permed hair, done up last week by her friend Bethel down at the beauty parlor.  Apparently, she sneezed and he, being the polite and well-mannered young man that he is, tipped his hat and said "Bless you, ma'am."  Well I guess in NY, manners aren't fashionable any more because, and I kid you not, she looked him square in the eye and said "Fuuck you, boy.  Mind your own damn business"and swiped at him with her cane!  Whaaaaa...?  Just about tore the spurs right off his Ariats, too- no joke. 

And he, still being that polite young man I know him to be, just looked at her, shocked- like she just reached down the back of her Underoos and threw her scat at him like a spider monkey.  Unsure of how to react, he just looked back at her and straight out guffawed, right up in her face.  What started out as nervous "I can't believe she just said that" kind of giggle burst into a full on belly laugh, all the way up from his boots.  I mean, who tells someone to fuck off who just blessed your sneeze?  Grumpy old ladies, that's who.  Fuck yeah. 

HELLZ YEAH.  I wanna be a crazy drivin', mean ol' bitch when I get old.  Bless me?  Well, fuck you, buddy.  Fuck you AND your stupid cowboy hat.  YEAH.  SO THERE.  JESUS H. CHRIST.  Kids these days, all mannered up n' shit.  Fuck.

And better still?  I hope to be THIS gal:

She might be my old person hero.