This morning, whilst picking off the dried booger I found on my cheek (gross), I was perusing Facebook and learned that an old friend of mine had just lost her big ol' goofy-assed Mastiff. He was a hell of a dog, and to those who didn't know him, his size could be terribly intimidating. But like most big dogs, his bark was worse than his bite and he was the sweetest thing ever. And his "owner", if we can even call her that as I think "human companion" is a more apt title, is terribly sad today. And so of course, that's led Skamp to think about her own mutt. I cannot even beGIN to tell you how much I love her. My dog is a total pain in the ass, but I love her more than most people. Maybe more than ANY person. Because if someone said to me that it was either them or her, I'd pick her and toss your ass to the curb, any day of the WEEK. She holds an absolute cherished place in my heart that no one can fit into, save for her. And I know that, one day, she'll move on to greener pastures, but until then- I'm going to enjoy her in all her obnoxious ways.
What does she do that's so obnoxious, you ask? Well, she dug up one of my flower beds-TWICE- even AFTER I put stakes and string all around it. She dug it up and now it's become her favorite outdoor bed. ANNOYING. She also barks at nothing, unless she hears and sees ghosts that I'm not aware of. She gets into the garbage can and will eat pretty much anything in there, the nastier the better- especially used tampons. She is a total bed hog-- even a king size isn't enough for her and myself. She whines when I don't feed her on time. She whines when she sees me leave the house on a walk and I don't take her with me. She is rude and will push herself through a doorway before I have a chance to. She has to eat really expensive, hypo-allergenic dog food that costs more than my typical meal, or her coat will fall out. She does, like, eight THOUSAND things that annoy me. But you know what the worst thing she does is? If I sleep naked, which I like to do, she will roll over and lick my nipple. I fucking kid you not. It's disgusting and makes me feel incredibly dirty. How would you like to wake up feeling someone lick your nipple, and in the haze of being barely conscious not realize what's going on.. and find yourself enjoying it for about two fractions of a second before you realize.... that it's your dog! ACK! GROSS!! Oh my god, it makes me feel violated EVERY FUCKING TIME! I don't know where she got that from- it's not like I ever put peanut butter on my nipples- I only save that trick for my asshole. But somewhere along the way, that dog of mine decided that it was a natural thing for her to do. Fucking GROSS. So now, I rarely sleep naked, because I don't want to be nipple-raped by my dog. Yeah, that's right. Nipple-fucking-raped.
But despite all that, I cannot ever seem to get enough of petting her, of snuggling with her, of having her right by my side. I'd do just about anything for that mutt I rescued from the shelter. If I were a kangaroo, there are times when I'd fold up all 80 pounds of her and put her in my big kangaroo pouch. I love her so so so so much and usually refer to her as the best thing that ever happened to me.
So, screw diamonds. As I said, DOGS are a girl's best friend.
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