What it takes to make a hetero life mate marriage last

Earlier today, well, meaning two seconds ago, my "wife" just asked me if I'd go see the new Step Up movie with her and some gal she's been wanting me to meet for years.  And, even more exciting, it's in 3D.  Fuckin' Super fuckin' Duper.  Would I rather jab my eyeballs out with a dull, bent knife?  Probably.  Am I going to go?  Well, yeah.  Yes.  Skampcity is going to the movies to see Step Up in 3-motherfucking-D.  Shit.  But what the fuck.  Anyone can get tortured for two hours and not tell all the world's secrets, right?  Well, I know I can.  I can definitely sit through it, but only if I shove an entire tub of movie popcorn down my throat.  That, and the biggest thing of soda I can afford- that'll give me at least 7 excuses to get up and go take a leak.

So you ask why the fuck I'd agree to do something like that?  Well, because she's the very best friend I have in the whole fucking world and she's seen me in some pretty awful states.  Like that one time I cried so hard I was literally blowing snot bubbles (the cats were fighting over who got to pop them).  Or, when I dragged her to see some band that she had zero interest in listening to, just to tell me that the girl my ex had cheated on me with had a dumpy ass.  And another time, I made her get up before the shit crack of dawn so that she could go with me to Colorado Springs and watch me in my first (and maybe last) 5K.  She's been there for me, supporting all the things I do, and now it's time to do the same for her.  I WILL draw the line, however, at watching a remake of Dirty Dancing.  That, she's on her own for.  Because that's just blasphemous- remaking that shit.  But Step Up?  Yeah, I can do that.  I'll probably sneak in a flask of Jeremiah Weed and a bottle of Percocets to get me through it, but hey.  That's what friends are for, right?

And who knows?  Maybe some teenaged (and hopefully legal?) eye candy will keep me from remembering that my chest still tightens up when I think about me n' breakin' up n' all that emotional garbage one goes through when life's a changin'.

What I DO know, for absolute certain, is that if something happens to my wife, I'd totally wipe her ass for her.  I'd chew up bits of food and spit it in her mouth, if I had to, just like the birdies do.  So if I'd do any of that, I can go to the movies with her, too.  Because she's pretty fucking awesome, and I love her almost as much as I love my dog.  And that's really sayin' something.